She's gone!
by BaronessvonTrapp
Summary: This is a one shot from Georg's journal. It is his feeling based on the night Maria left. Read and enjoy!


**A/N: Here is another one shot. This is part of an old draft of Georg's journal. I had a whole journal that takes place during the movie. However, I wanted to rework it. I'm having trouble getting started from the beginning. I'm posting some of my old chapters as one shots to get feed back and make sure I'm on the right track. All my one shots will all eventually be integrated into a long journal. You may have seen these before. I posted one of them in a journal. I wasn't happy with them so I deleted them and am starting from scratch. Wish me luck! ㈳2 This takes place the night Maria left.**

July 26, 1938

At this moment I feel as though I have suffered a painful blow to the solar plexus. I'm sitting on my bed almost doubled over in pain. That is what the agony of the past twenty four to forty eight feels like to me.

In the past few weeks I have felt more alive than I have since Agathe left me. Yet, that was taken away from me in the blink of an eye. How did this happen? What have I done? How do I make this aching feeling go away? I suppose I have no choice in the matter which makes it all the more maddening to me.

Allow me to explain this abhorrent turn of events. I gave in and we had the grand and glorious party. I was railroaded into it.

I knew damn well that Elsa only wanted a party as a knee jerk reaction to my unconscious albeit inappropriate interaction with Maria the other night. I was guilty and I knew it so how could I refuse.

My heart was not in it believe me. If I had a choice in the matter, the grand and glorious party would not have happened.

One of the very worst aspects of it all was that I couldn't avoid inviting Herr Zeller, my most hated person in the world. Let me put it like this, I have less contempt for worms then I do for Herr Zeller.

He stands for everything that I find immoral and deplorable. He has destroyed everything that is good in my country. However, he is an important political figure so there really was no way around it. In these times of great unrest calling attention to my feelings of resistance would be utterly fatal. It was actually easier to have that filthy weasel in my home.

At one point I was walking around the ballroom observing other dancers. I was so bored I was almost ready to jump in the Salzach River. After several excruciatingly boring moments I heard the orchestra play the Landler, a beautiful and classic Austrian folk dance.

I glanced out on the patio and I saw quite a lovely sight. I couldn't help but notice Maria trying to teach Kurt how to dance the landler.

It was strange when I saw her all the tension I felt from head to toe melted. I had this sudden overwhelming and overpowering desire to dance with her.

I fixed my gloves so they would be perfect when I grasped her smooth and pure innocent hands. Even though she was just my governess she so reminded me of a beautiful elegant lady.

She was wearing a sweet and simple summer dress. However, to me she looked just as beautiful if not more beautiful than all the women that filled my ballroom.

I stepped in and we danced from there. When I took hold of her I felt a jolt of electricity that I have not felt in years. We moved in absolute perfect sync. I realized then that not only did the women sing like an angel she danced like one.

I felt like I was simply floating in heaven led in dance by a precious angel. Her body radiated deep warmth mixed with a sweet loving glow. The more we moved in perfect sync, the more her deep loving glow was transferred to me and filled my entire body from head to toe.

I melted like a cold bleak winter into a warm beautiful spring. Nothing or no one in the outside world mattered to us at that point. There were no important guests, there were no children, there was no grand and glorious party, and above all there was no Elsa. It was only me and the precious angel I held in my arms.

As the dance got closer my body was on fire. Blood rushed through my entire body at a rapid rate. I hate to write this, but I have relived my tuxedo pants were semi loose fitting. That is all I need to say.

When the dance became exceedingly close, the movement stopped and at that very second our eyes locked in an ultra-magnetic gaze. I lost all sense of time and just gazed into her beautiful soul. I ended up under the spell of her beautiful spirit. I was struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight.

At that same moment in time, I had a revelation that hit me like a strong powerful thunderbolt. I LOVE THIS WOMAN! I'm NOT just fond of her! I DON'T just think she is attractive! I absolutely positively love her. I love her voice, her smile, and her adorable giggle! Oh and I love that cute little button nose of hers.

After a minute of two she backed away from me and her little cheeks were bright red. She seemed so embarrassed. I so wanted to just take her into my arms and tell her I love her. I had to fight with every fiber of my being not to do act on those emotions.

My mind wandered to being able to kiss those soft sweet and innocent lips of her. I am absolutely certain that those lips have never ever come close to being kissed by a man. That thought made my pure male desire increase greatly.

I had to be careful. No matter how strong my feelings were at that moment, I could not act upon them. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. A man in my position would have made a fatal error if he say grabbed his governess and kissed her senseless in front of hundreds of elite guests.

My only recourse was to act natural and act as though nothing had happened. Even with that rational knowledge, I could not take my eyes off her. Without even realizing it, I formed a warm smile hoping that would provide here with some comfort.

Well, as with all of life's beautiful and precious moments, ours had to eventually come to an end. I think we were both jolted back to reality in the blink of an eye.

I suddenly heard a familiar voice say "Well, that was beautifully done! What a lovely couple you make!"

ELSA! It felt like a bad electric shock. I felt such pure angelic love only moments ago. When I heard Elsa's voice I felt a cold icy reserve. It was a physical shock to my entire system.

I knew then and there I had to quickly recover. I muttered something about the children approaching bedtime. It at least stabilized things for the moment.

My thinking was that if the children went to bed the Governess would help them and then retreat to her quarters. I was desperately trying to put her back where she belonged.

That may seem cruel or degrading to her but it was the only way I could see out of this at least for the moment anyway. Convincing myself for now that she was nothing more than just my employee was less fatal than grabbing her and kissing her senseless in the middle of the crowded ballroom. It was not working no matter how much I repeated her status in my household in my mind.

We went into the ballroom to watch the children perform a good night song that Maria taught them. I tried to focus on my beautiful and ever so talented children. However, my mind kept focusing on her and my gaze kept moving off to the side where she was standing.

I could only scold myself, "Look, she knows where she belongs off to the side like the help. Why can't I do the same?"

Soon the madness ended and it looked like she was going to do the right thing and just leave the party. At least one of us knew how to handle the situation.

I was ready to scream when I noticed Max grabbed her by the arm. I heard him trying to invite her to the party. Oh, the man is so infuriating.

I was having images of throwing him in the river. I decided I would play host and ignore the fact that he was harassing that sweet angel. I heard her protest. Unfortunately when Max wants something we will not give up until he gets it.

She was not going to win with her sweet quiet protests. My heart lurched in my chest when he involved me. I knew I had to just be casual. I just told her if she wanted to come she it would be fine. I tried to say it with neutral emotion. I figured that way she could get out of it if felt too uncomfortable.

I continued to play the role of the elite host not the lovesick schoolboy. She muttered something about not being properly dressed. Yes, she was correct in a way. However, in my mind she looked more beautiful to me than all the impeccably dressed women that filled the house.

She was trying to get out of it but Max was so intent that the poor angel didn't stand a chance. I noticed she quickly left in embarrassment. I so wanted to hold her in my arms, calm her poor nerves and tell her how much I love and adore her.

I thought maybe my troubles had died down with Maria gone at least for now. However, I had a run in with Herr Zeller. I hate that man's guts with a very deep passion. I'm sorry but I refuse to be like Max and simply turn the other cheek as the say. It was was bad enough that the filthy weasel was in my home.

I was having quite a lovely and stimulating chat with Baron and Baroness Ebberfield. Of course he just interjected his sorry self into the conversation which clearly did not include him.

Baroness Ebberfield complimented me on the children. The Baron chimed in and said, "Is there more beautiful expression of what is good in this country of our then the innocent voices of our children."

Herr Zeller opened his filthy mouth and said, "Oh come now Baron Will you have believe that Austria alone holds the monopoly on virtue?"

I was not having that in my own home! I angrily spat back, "Herr Zeller some of may prefer Austrian verves raised in song to ugly German threats."

He did not take my comments kindly. Ask me if I care?

"The ostrich buries his head in the sand and sometimes in the flag. Those who will tell you that the Anschluss is coming and it is coming Captain. Perhaps they will get further with you if they set their words to music."

"If the Nazis take over Austria I have no doubt that you will be the entire trumpet section!" I angrily retorted.

He very sarcastically replied, "You flatter me Captain!"

My mind raced! I HAD TO have a comeback! I NEEDED to have the last word Damn It! I thought of a brilliant comeback.

"Oh how clumsy of me I meant to accuse you." I said with a deadpan face.

I then turned, walked away and didn't look back. My anger was building. I didn't want to lose control. Severely beating an important figure at your own party is almost as fatal as grabbing your governess and kissing her senseless on the dance floor.

That brought my thoughts back to my precious angel I had held in my arms only a moments ago. I knew there was only one solution.

I HAD TO talk to her alone after the party and profess my undying love for her. It couldn't wait any longer. I would not be able to sleep until I told her. IF she felt the same way, I would end my courtship with Elsa. I suspected that she shared my feelings.

I swore that I saw a spark of love in her eyes. I began to have impure thought about being the first man to graze her beautiful virginal lips. I only wish my impure thought had stopped at kissing her pure lips. Then again, when does a man's impure thought ever stop with a soft chaste kiss.

I took it up a notch by imagining what it would be like to make sweet passionate love to her sweet soft pure virginal and angelic flesh. I tried to put such thought out of my head but they were obtrusive, very obtrusive indeed.

After a few minutes I noticed Elsa walking towards me. I felt a twinge of worry. That beautiful angel was not with her. What could have happened? Elsa asked me to dance. As we moved I was looking over her shoulder waiting to see if my sweet angel would enter and light up the room like always.

I may have gone too far because Elsa brought up her name. My most primal and fearful thought was, "OH GOD!"

She said, "Oh by the way I have a message for you from Fraulien Maria."

"OH GOD! OH GOD!" pounded in my head.

"She told me to tell you she has a rather bad headache and would prefer to lie down. I told the poor thing to rest and not think twice about missing the party."

I crossed the line AGAIN by saying, "OH! Is she alright?" with very deep concern bordering on love in my voice! I got a death ray that could have melted my brain.

She sighed angrily, and spat back, "Georg, I said she has a HEADACHE not a fatal brain tumor. She's fine. I'm sorry she's not feeling well but really she doesn't belong here." She snapped at me.

I deeply resented that last part but I decided I was already in enough scalding hot water as it was. I wanted to defend her with every fiber of my being but I knew it would be a fatal error. It damn near killed me to hear her insulted and not be able to defend her.

Finally well after midnight, all of my guests left. As soon as I got rid of Max and Elsa I ran to her room. I ran so fast I could not even feel the ground beneath my feet.

It was extremely late but I didn't care. I knew I would wake her but this could not wait another second! I gently knocked on her door with no response. I knocked a little louder than spoke to her from the other side of her door.

"Maria? I'm sorry to wake you. It's Georg I mean a a Captain von Trapp. I'm sorry but I must speak to you. It's vital that we talk tonight. Maria?"

I very tentatively opened her door and saw a frightening sight. Her bed was unmade and she was nowhere to be found. I realized I crossed the line but I even went and knocked on her bathroom door. I got no response.

My heart started pounding and I broke out into a cold sweat. I even closed my eyes and opened then as if that would make her suddenly appear. I tried to tell myself there was a reasonable explanation.

Maybe she went for a walk. Yes, of course she did. It was two am but my mind was coming up any explanation so as not accept that fact that she was really gone. As you can see I was grasping at straws.

I had another thought; Elsa said she couldn't come to the party due to a bad headache. Yes, that's it. She went to the kitchen to get water to take aspirin for her blistering headache. I ran breathlessly towards the kitchen trying ever so hard to convince myself that my angel was going to be there to greet course she wasn't.

As I approached the front hall, I was breathless, sweating and hyperventilating. I saw Franz in the distance.

I tried to cover up my crazed emotional state. He handed me an envelope that was addressed to Captain von Trapp. It was in her handwriting. My throat began to tighten so quickly I was afraid I could faint. I ran to the privacy of my study

My hands were shaking so hard I could barely open it. Once I managed to rip it open, I had to read it several times before I could even force myself to believe it.

SHE LEFT ME! Then came the feeling like I had been violently punched in the stomach. She claimed that she missed her life at the abbey and felt compelled to leave this night.

Yes, the homesickness just happened to consume her TONIGHT of all nights. The fact that I had her in my arms earlier is totally irrelevant. Of course it was.

I was overcome with a strong anger. I was furious that the singlehandedly lifted me up from the depths of my deep depression only to run away in the middle of the night. How could she leave this house without even talking to me first?

Even if she did not want to profess feelings of love, she could have at least had the decency to lie to me in person about "missing the abbey." Instead I had to read her feelings in a cold heartless note in the middle of the night alone in my dark study.

Since I was alone in my study, I lost control and yelled out loud to her as if she was there to hear me! "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I LOVE YOU! YES, I LOVE YOU MORE THEN ANYTHING! HOW COULD YOU JUST LEAVE ME WITHOUT EVEN TALKING TO ME? YOU BROUGHT ME BACK TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING ONLY TO RIP MY HEART OUT WITH YOUR BARE HANDS? YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU! WHY? WHY? WHY?" I yelled as I slammed my fist on the desk so hard it left a bruise.

There is only one solution. I must propose to Elsa. It is what everyone expects of me. I want to hold Maria but she is gone forever. Perhaps this was meant to be. This leaves an irreparable hole in my heart.

As with everything else, I must carry on for the sake of my children. This is going to be heart breaking for them. I can in no way show them that my heart has been ripped out by this painfully sad turn of events.

I need to try and sleep. I feel that sleep will not come easily. Hopefully, sleep will be a refuge from the complicated state of my emotions.


End file.
